© 2019 by Allison Brost

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    Holding on

    Today I put away Solomon’s clothes. Or at least the hang up ones, anyways.

    It was such a strange feeling. Usually, I’m putting baby clothes away while simultaneously searching for the next size up. Because my baby is growing rapidly and every laundry day of those fleeting months during the first year seem to present me with yet another outfit that they have outgrown.

    And I’m sad about putting away those sweet outfits and knowing they’ll never go back to that tiny newborn size.

    But this time was different. There was no scavenging for bigger sizes and getting excited about all the clothes they’d now be fitting in. There was no reminiscing about how their older sibling wore that same outfit or wondering how this little person would look and who they would become.

    This time the clothes were just getting put away.

    I set aside a red plaid shirt with a bow tie that he had worn for Valentine’s. It was one of the few items that was just “his”. Most else that he had was hand-me-downs from his big brothers.

    I have a tub of things that remind me of him. Solomon’s things. A small basket to remind me that he was here. He lived. And he mattered.

    I don’t pretend to know why or understand. This isn’t easy. And I’m not going to act like I don’t have questions.

    But I keep reminding myself that I must trust Him. I could so easily just give up and quit leaning on the Lord, but what would that gain? What hope is there besides Jesus?

    I know of none.

    So God, when life hurts, when questions torture me, when I feel like I can’t hold on to you, just hold me.