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Dear Abrielle,


Not many people know it, but today is a big day for us. Today is the day we never got to have with your big brother. Five weeks and three days.

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath this entire time. Wondering if you’re really staying, worrying if I’ll actually get to keep you.

Yesterday I didn’t want to lay you down. I wanted to say that I never let you out of my arms... but I couldn’t even do that. Maybe I had to help your older brother get dressed for bed, or perhaps it was the time I needed to settle an argument or... maybe I just needed to use the bathroom? I guess what I mean in all of this is that I did my best.

Just like I did the day your big brother died.

I try to remind myself that when I feel worried. After losing someone you love, it’s hard not to.

So I apologize right now if I’m different with you. If you sleep in my room till you’re well past infancy, if I’m nervous to let you out of my sight when you begin walking, if I won’t let you play outside with your siblings without me. Maybe I’ll get past these things when the time comes, but I just don’t know. I hope you know that in all of this, I love you and only want to keep you safe.

Last year when we came to the hospital to have your big brother we had two names picked out: Solomon Paul and Abrielle Faith. And both had special meanings for us. Solomon’s name means “peace”, yours means “God is my strength.” And little did I realize then how much we would need both.

It seems strange now looking back that a baby who’s name meant peace would end up in such tragedy. Except I think God knew... He was going to be our peace in the middle of the storm.

That’s why your middle name is Faith. To remind me of the foundation that has kept us going, and to always hold on to that hope.

Hebrews 6:18 says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure....” It is not daydreaming or some form of wishful thinking; our hope is secure because it is founded on what Christ has done for us.

I wish you would have gotten to meet him. That just occurred to me recently— that you won’t have any memories with him. But it won’t always be this way.

That is our hope, our assurance—that because of what Jesus has done we will all one day be together again. Because no matter how big you grow or how far you go, we will always be a family. Until then, we will all remember him for you.

So welcome to the family, little lady.

Love, Momma

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© 2019 by Allison Brost

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